Rain and Fidelity
by y-junkie
Summary: To be loyal to pain, or to be loyal to himself. Hakkai made a choice, and lived with the choice... until he learns that he didn't have to. A 3x8 oneshot.


**Rain and Fidelity  
**_1/1_

Disclaimer: When it comes to Saiyuki: not owned by me, never owned by me.

* * *

THE RAIN was no more than a secret lover, and he no other, than a battered wife. On wooden floors gleaming with moon-streaked pallor, it would take him down and bruise him, as it always has. He would instinctively clutch dusty, moth-eaten sheets, and hold on. Close his eyes, gasp, and writhe in pain. It was all that he could ever do.

By the morning, when it finally had taken enough and is satisfied, tears would fall as freely as the spilt sunlight from his window.

Cho Hakkai has always adored dreams, and every night, he would wait for them with diligence and childish eagerness. He would slip into bed and hope that sleep would come faster than the rain would, because grief was the unwelcome companion he had wished, time and time again, to do without. His dreams would always be happy and light and good, and he would be comforted. He had enough of seeing the blood on his fingers, had enough of tasting copper on his tongue mixed with a flavor that was his, and another, of someone he had just met and had known too well.

Tonight was no different. Hakkai could feel the fog settling around the room, creeping up to his thighs, and making him shiver. He could almost taste the blood again.

The clouds overhead rumbled, and lightning flashed. Hakkai stared at the sky, and saw that the stars had gone. The rain would come soon, then go as it always has, leaving him more than naked on covers soaked with blood and tears.

He didn't want to bleed anymore. Nor cry, nor be alone.

There was only one person who hated the rain as much as he did. Even if that person didn't observe the best, non-violent way of coping, Hakkai knows that he takes the rain better than anybody could have. Granted, of course, that people keep a good distance away, else be nabbed by a bullet fired without much as a warning.

Hakkai knew, however, that Sanzo would understand tonight, in such a way that most people would expect him not to.

Having made his decision, he made a quick trip towards the Sanzo's room. The monk was probably also feeling his worst at the moment, but he can't think of spending that night with anybody else.

Hakkai swung the door open.

He expected the smoke, and the gun aimed between his eyes. He even expected Genjo Sanzo's annoyed, impatient glare. He tried to suppress a small, fond smile that had involuntarily spread across his face.

"I'm sorry to disturb you at such an hour, Sanzo,"

He heard the monk grunt as he let his gun fall to his side.

"What do you want?"

Hakkai pulled a chair, and stared at the floor thoughtfully.

"I felt the rain coming, and I just wanted to see if there's anything you might need." Hakkai offered an apologetic smile at Sanzo's dubious look. "It's a stupid reason, but… I know how much you dislike the rain."

A calculating gaze. "This is not about me, is it."

Sanzo wasn't asking. Sanzo knew that his concern wasn't for him at all, and Hakkai felt a twinge of guilt.

"I'm sorry." Hakkai played with the loose thread of his nightclothes.

There was a moment's pause. He heard the monk draw one, last drag from his cigarette, then flick it carelessly towards the mounting pile. "If it makes you feel any better, being selfish is good sometimes."

Hakkai smiled.

"What's so funny?" Sanzo growled.

Hakkai chuckled. "It just sounds right, coming from you."

"Say something stupid like that again, and I'll seriously kill you."

Another lightning flashed overhead, cutting their conversation short.

Hakkai's smile disappeared. As if on cue, the rain fell, pelting down in powerful torrents and beating angrily against the roof, as if a husband furious at his wife's infidelity. Hakkai could feel the rain, could see it mix with the blood on his fingers. Then comes the cold, and the familiar, insistent ache. Hakkai could only clutch his scar as he felt it grope at him, like many times before.

He felt a warm hand rest against his own, and allowed himself to be pulled into a gentle, uncharacteristic embrace.

"Idiot. You should have told me about this before," Sanzo whispered, all hostility fading into impossible tenderness. Hakkai smiled softly through pain and tears as he felt Sanzo press his lips against his forehead.

Despite the rain and the cold, Hakkai knew he was going to have dreams that night—for Sanzo would be there with him, and maybe, even in all the nights after.

**END.**

Notes: Hakkai angsts. The world turns a sweet 360 degrees. It's an OOC fic! Whee!

Reviews are always welcome!


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